Are Arrows Flying in Your Marriage?

Who sharpen their tongue like a sword, And bend their bows to shoot their arrows—bitter words.
Psalm 64:3 (NKJV)

Picture this. Carrying a bow and some arrows, you walk into a room full of people. You then start shooting arrows all over the room. Some of those arrows hit the wall. Some hit the furniture. But some hit the other people. You look over to see one of those arrows sticking out of the chest of your spouse. You cry out that you didn’t mean to. You were just shooting around and weren’t planning on hitting anyone. But you did. And now they’re badly hurt. That arrow is out there and you can’t bring it back.

Your words can be like those arrows in that they can be devastating. People are hurt by words that are thoughtlessly spoken as much as words that are said with the intent to harm. And like those arrows, you can’t take them back. They’re already out there. Those wounds can take a long time to heal. Many people are still hurting from words that were said years earlier.

And even worse, many are silently suffering from things said by their husband or wife.

Your mouth is NOT a weapon. So don’t use it as one.

Is your spouse walking around with an arrow sticking out of them? An arrow that YOU shot?

Whether you meant to or not, those words hurt.

But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.
Matthew 12:36 (NKJV)

It’s said of a person who can come up with a quick remark to something someone else said that they are quick witted. In actuality, that would really be slow witted. They would be quick mouthed, but their mind hasn’t thought quickly enough about the pain they may cause if they shoot off their mouth. Many people are hurt while someone is trying to be smart or funny. Make sure your quick remarks aren’t tearing others down.

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath
James 1:19 (NKJV)

Start taking time to think about what you are going to say to your spouse…and other people for that matter. Consider what negative affect your words may have on that person. Is what you are about to say something that you would want someone to say to you?

Remember you can’t take those arrows back.

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Comments

  1. Wow,that was a very nice comparison.And yes,we need to keep a tab on our ego and anger when in a relationship.

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  2. Thanks for the comments Angel. And I’ll make sure to check out your site.

  3. David,
    Thanks for your article on “Words.” I think that whoever said, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” was truly wrong. As I work with couples, I find, as you are saying, that the hurtful words are often impossible to take back. In fact, I often find that physical abuse can be easier to heal from than is emotional abuse. About 95% of my counseling clients are Christian Couples and much of what we work on are resolving the conflicts that have built up over the years. Much of that work is working through the healing and forgiveness that needs to take place because of the words that were used to hurt their partner in order to put them down or win an argument! When couples realize that when one of them wins, the other LOSES, real change can take place. Understanding that we, as married couples, are one flesh, we are hurting ourselves as much or more as we are hurting our partners. I love teaching couples how to work toward having a win-win resolution their conflicts as much as possible. I also find it moves the couple toward a much deeper level of intimacy when they provide a safe place for each of them to be honest, open, vulnerable, and accepting of each other. I believe that God has called us to forgive our spouses as Christ forgives us. Thanks again for your words and I hope you have a blessed Christmas.

    In Him,

    Chuck Sugar
    Christian Counseling
    http://www.ChuckSugar.com

  4. Thanks for the great comments Chuck. They’ve added even more clarity to the article. Thanks again for your wise insights and have a blessed Christmas as well!

  5. Amy Hayes says:

    Hi David,

    Your website is great! I like what you said about words being like arrows. I believe the Bible says that too. I’m also encourage to see that I am actually quick-witted, when all along I thought I was slow-witted:) I always wish I would’ve said something that seemed so “wise” later, but in actuality, you’re right, it is always something hurtful. Winning an argument ALWAYS produces a LOSER. Dale Carnegie says, “You can’t win an argument…if you lose, you lose, and if you win it, you lose!” Because, “a man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still”. Blessings to you and yours!

  6. Thanks Amy and great comments.

    I hope to have the new site up soon!

  7. So true. You can’t take it back…and yet we do and say the same things over and over and over again that push us farther apart from each other, instead of working to learn language that will bring us closer. This is a huge issue for so many of us…I love Non-violent Communication, Rori Raye’s “Feeling Messages” – and just an end to defensiveness and protectiveness – to all our anger that comes simply from fear. Thank you for starting this discussion. Sarah

  8. Thanks for your comments Sarah. So true about our anger coming from fear.

  9. This article truly enlightened me. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage especially in throwing out hurtful words to my husband. Anger really did overpower me. Thanks for sharing this with us!

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