What have you probably heard is the number one problem in marriage?
Often cited as the number one problem is the lack of communication.
I don’t believe that’s the case. It’s a problem, but not the main problem. The lack of communication is purely a symptom of a deeper problem.
The number one problem in marriage is…SELFISHNESS.
Selfishness means “seeking one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.”
Everyone struggles with selfishness. We all want what we want when we want it. We were born this way. You don’t have to teach a small child how to say “gimme, gimme” when they see a toy they want that someone else has.
Are You A Sucker?
The leech has two daughters.
‘Give! Give!’ they cry.
Proverbs 30:15 (NIV)
The leech is a parasite that never gets enough. It continually sucks the life out of something.
There are two relationship types.
1) the parasitic relationship, where one sucks out of the relationship
2) the edifying relationship, where one puts into the relationship
Many times people go into a marriage relationship for what it can provide for them. They want security, affection, companionship, money, sex, to name a few. “Give, give” they cry.
But God wants us to be more focused on others and less focused on ourselves.
Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.
1 Corinthians 10:24 (NKJV)
How often do we enter into marriage thinking, what can I do to make this other person’s life more fulfilling? Rarely.
Living a life of selfishness will hinder a person from receiving from God.
Personally, this area hit me right between the eyes. I was sucking out of our marriage. Constantly I was in the mindset of why won’t my wife do this or that. I wanted her to give to me. Concern about what I could give to her without expecting something in return was not a part of my thinking.
Respect, honor, kindness, and self-worth were things I was requiring from her. But God held a mirror up in front of me. The picture was ugly. I saw just how selfish I was and that I was being a parasite in our marriage. Edifying our marriage and building up my wife by seeking to only meet her needs were things that I wasn’t doing at all. Since then, God has been helping me to turn it around so as to constantly seek to put my wife’s well-being first…and without expecting anything at all in return.
We shouldn’t always be thinking about ourselves and only what we need. We should walk in love, unselfishly thinking of others and their benefit more than our own. When we walk in love and bless others, we can expect God to take care of our needs in the process.
Don’t suck the life out of your marriage by always seeking to get and never giving.
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get–only with what you are expecting to give–which is everything.
– Anonymous
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Awesome information and big eye opener in how i have been treated by family and allowing it to happen in my marriage, but praying that will not happen as my husband is not saved yet.
Continue to be an example of Christ’s love and definitely hand them over to God.
Will be praying for you.
I am interested in this topic, you send me your holy bible to understand more of GOD expectation for my life and follow his path way to fullfil HIS will in my life.
Want to more of how marriage works.
Thanks for your interest Eric. I’m not sure what you’re asking, but you should be able to find more information by searching around the blog.
I’m really relieved that i found your website. My husband and I are going through a tough time right now and our biggist issues are quick tempers, anger, and lack of communication. I am not innocent in contributing to the arguements, but it’s really hard to deal with when all he does is completely ignore me and completely distrust me and stay gone with his friends, and all he expects me to do is bow down to him and cater to his every need, without contributing to our relationship at all. I have read alot of your columns and they have really helped me to deal with some of these issues, but i am still a long ways away.
Please help me to deal with this and pray for our family. GOD BLESS!
I’m glad you’re finding these articles beneficial Vickie. Keep working on what you can work on, which is yourself and how you react to your husband. Along with that, keep seeking God and Godly counsel.
Will definitely pray for you and your family. God bless as well!
I was a very selfish person when I got married. I was the parasite and my wife was the giver.
Eventually I realised that this imbalance cannot go on for long. I learnt to give. I am still not perfect. No one is.
But God helps you to see love beyond your selfishness, that’s when a marriage succeeds.
I’ve experienced it – thanks to my lovely wife. And thanks to God.